Because let’s face it: It really is a curse. I don’t know how it is for you others who want to outdo yourselves, but for me I have a certain, tried and true scenario that goes through my head every time I want to try something new. It goes like this:
“Oh, hey Valk! Wouldn’t it be awesome if you actually stopped researching all of this info on jewelry making, and just like, ya know, made some jewelry?”
“Wh-what? Haha! I need to know everything about every tool in existence before I do that! Then there’s wire, and beads, and-“
“You do realize you’re not going to do all of that at once, don’t you?”
“But I will one day! And besides, when I start something, I have to be the best at it!”
“Don’t you think you’ll make mistakes?”
“Mistakes are for suckas! And if I just make a mistake, I’ll redo it over and over and over again until my fingers bleed, and the piece looks amazing!”
So Perfectionist Valk ignores common sense, Mistakes-are-ok-to-make Valk, buys all of the supplies, or tech, or whatever and…
“What is it?”
“This sucks! Don’t you see?”
“No, not really. It looks fine.”
“The loops are all too big and the necklace tilts slightly to the left! I have to take it apart and do it all over again!”
“Uuuum, I’m just gonna stand over here.”
And so the cycle continues, over, and over, and over…
Until I give up. I’ve spent all this time and effort on something that I actually enjoyed doing, and then when I find one tiny thing that isn’t right with it, shove it to the far far away places in my room that only the occasional dust bunny occupies.
Can I just say, how freaking terrible this curse is? I hate it! One of my goals in 2015 is to slap Perfectionist Valk in the face and tell her “Stop thinking so hard about this and just do it!” it’s such a stifling grip on my life that it reaches to the tiniest thing. Heck, even starting this blog I had that battle in my head! Every time I do a cover? I do so many takes, think they all suck, then go back to find that hey, all of them aren’t that bad…and most of them sound pretty much, exactly the same. So why are there ten of them?
Because Perfectionist Valk is an idiot!
Ok, I won’t go that far but…ugh how to put it into words? Honestly, I’ve had this epiphany about myself: Perfectionism is really just boiled down to this one thing, fear. You want everything to be so perfect, so pristine and polished, that you pick something apart until you think it’s as horrific as…something really freaky I can’t think of right now. When you’re a perfectionist, you’re afraid to let anyone see your flaws, your cracks, any part of you that you think is broken. You don’t want people to see your mistakes (because let’s face it, you’re making them) so you hide everything away you think could moderately paint you in a bad light, no matter how small.
It’s fear, plain and simple. And it’s terrible. How do you fight this curse, though? Unfortunately this isn’t Hogwarts, and the wands I have access to don’t cast any anti-perfectionism charms…I don’t think.
But,what I am doing to combat this fungus I despise is…
Fighting through the fear. AHHHH!
I’m not gonna lie – this is a work in progress for me, and it frightens me out of my mind just even thinking of posting anything I don’t deem “Perfect”. I’ve used perfectionism as a shield my entire life, and it’s held me back in ways I can’t even describe both with my career and personal life. 2015 is a year I really want to make changes in, so for now I’m just throwing myself into things I’ve been wanting to do for ages (like blogging, oh hey!) and trying to not harp on the things that I do so much.
How has it been working for me so far? I mixed a song the other day and only attempted to redo it twice, instead of trying to remix it like seven times! And I picked up my jewelry supplies a few days ago and messed with some new techniques. I’m practicing them right now so I can implement them in designs! I’ve narrowed down the jewelry techniques I want to use to design stuff, instead of just trying to do every technique under the sun. I looked at some pieces I did a year or so ago and am actually thinking of posting pictures of them somewhere to places that aren’t a facebook album I can shove somewhere hidden on my profile! And well, the biggest step I think, is this blog. I’ve wanted to have one for a really long time where I can just talk about my life and hobbies,, and here we are! So I’d say for now, just pushing through my fears is working. And it does get easier as you continue doing it!
What about you? Do you suffer from this rawrgsome curse? How do you cope with it if you do?