In the past week, I’ve been looking at different things for designing inspiration. After getting some ideas from a fellow creative, I started looking at the jewelry of Historical eras I’ve always loved – the various stages of the Victorian era, traditional Celtic jewelry and Egyptian designs. The period that resonated the most with me? The Victorian era’s first stage – the romance era, which was filled with beautifully crafted, lacy chains, pastel colors, gemstones of all shapes and sizes. I was reading filigree was a large component in their pieces as well and started looking up how to make it. Currently I’m trying to figure out how to create it without having to go through the tedious task of melting metals down because messing with a flame in any capacity scares the bejesus out of me.
What I realized after doing that, and making some pieces is…is…I like….uuuuh….I’m really into fashion and keeping up with trends ok! I’ve been reading all sorts of jewelry blogs, following Facebook and Twitter feeds about different fashion trends, reading about the different colors of the month for this year, and I’ve been enjoying it!
Doing this was so weird to me. I mean, you’d think loving Sailor Moon and My Little Pony would be a dead giveaway, right? But when it comes to expressing myself in any sort of visual capacity I just…can’t. I love the flowy types of skirts and dresses, but feel really uncomfortable in them. I have a ton of those things just sitting in my closet. I have jewelry I don’t wear, and I make it for crying out loud! And selling it is so terrifying to me. The only thing I am even remotely comfortable wearing is makeup, and I haven’t practiced putting that on in ages.
I honestly don’t get it. Why am I so afraid to express myself by wearing things I like? Where did these body issues come from! Whenever I do have to wear a dress for a performance or something, I feel so uncomfortable – like everyone is staring at me, but not in a positive way. More like “Haha, look at that blindy wearing…pretty things!” I don’t even know what my problem is with this! Do I really want to not be noticed so badly that I deny this part of myself while accepting other parts that make me less girly or something?
I have never, no matter how hard I try, been able to embrace this part of myself. I know it’s there, I know I like these things, but whenever I get myself to the point of just saying ok, I’m going to just do this! I bail and never do. Like I said, I want to sell my jewelry pieces for a living, but not doing so stems from this problem: I’m afraid to sell these things because I don’t want to draw any sort of attention to them, or don’t think they are that special. I’m overly critical of this part of myself and I feel like enough is enough but I really can’t get myself to pass this hurdle in my psyche and it’s so, so frustrating.
What could it beeee?
I mean, regardless I am going to work on building up a web store to sell my jewelry, but will I be able to promote it when it’s done? I’ll force myself to, but once again my self-promoting skills are lack luster due to not thinking anything I do is good enough blarg. Siiiigh, ick!
That felt good to get out. Now here’s hoping I can work through this thing and embrace my inner diva! Time to post this before I lose my nerve…