The Creators Cycle of Self-Doubt and Depression

It happens whenever I’m about to plan to do something big, out of the norm, or just am in a creators funk and the cycle usually goes like this:

 

  • Get super pumped to do whatever it is I was planning to do (post a song, write lyrics etc).
  • Go to YouTube or look up articles about planning to do whatever it is I was planning on doing and then see all the steps it takes.
  • Look into what you have to do to get said steps done, find it’s a lot of red tape and go “Whatever, I’ll power through it, I want this to get done!”.
  • Look at other artists and creators on YouTube and see how much better their work is compared to mine (at least, that’s what I say in my head – who knows if it’s true).
  • Look at every past thing I’ve done and think it’s a subpar piece of crap. Think, “This is why I don’t have that amount of views, or why no one wants to buy my stuff” even though I have never tried to sell anything.
  • Look into ways to do whatever it is I want to do again, find it’s inaccessible unless you have money I don’t have, get discouraged.
  • Don’t care to record, still write lyrics but think they are all pieces of crap.
  • Go into emo corner and complain about how everything I do is not good and even if I put it out there no one would want to listen because it’s not as great as ___ artist – completely ignoring the fact that said artist probably worked on building a fanbase over years that I have not even been active as an artist as, but who cares because I see it as they are successful and I am not.
  • Complain again to friends and family and feel like crap.
  • Dig myself out of my funk slowly but surely even though I still think my stuff isn’t as good as everyone else’s, but I power through it and start recording and working on things again, fighting back the fear, insecurity, and self-doubt and go back onto my plan for recording, releasing songs, writing, arranging etc etc.
  • And the cycle continues~

 

I’ve been wanting to write this a few days ago but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, I guess: Not until I got myself out of my funk which, I started doing so by recording things tonight. Do I think it all sucks? Yep! But I figure I think everything I do sucks so I’ll just put it out there. I realized something last night – that really, I just want to share my creations and art with people. I don’t care if certain people dislike it, or if it’s a genre people don’t care for, or if I think it’s subpar: I created it, and I want the world to see it regardless. Because deep down, even though on the surface I am telling myself it sucks, I made it and I am proud of my piece of work.

 

I’m thinking about posting more than just music on my YouTube channel. I have some poems and short pros pieces I thought would be fun to record and post as well, and after thinking of doing that, I had this epiphany. I want to write, I want to sing, I want to create art that will make me and other people happy. If that comes with a cycle of self-doubt every now and again then whatever: I’ll power through it, and continue creating. After all, what is something you love without a little bit of conflict with yourself every now and again?

 

I was shying away from writing this, but in the end I’m glad I did: It was very therapeutic, and at the end of the day, that’s what all of my creations are. An outlet for me to express myself in a way I never would through speaking to someone. A way to show how I really feel, to try and help me through a hard patch in my life, and hope that in sharing my struggles, it can help someone too. If one person leaves my video happy, it means the world to me. Writing this blog makes me happy.

 

I don’t really know how to end this post. This was just something I had to get off of my chest, I suppose. I guess I’ll just end it with, I’m off to go create some more art, and I hope you’re off doing the same.

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Author: Crystal

A California based musician who is as passionate about music as she is video games,, Crystal (or ValkyrieCeles around the interwebs) loves to gush about her various nerdtastic loves, rant about anything currently catching her fancy, and generally just express herself in any creative outlet she can get her hands on. An avid reader, writer, and dreamer, Crystal has been leaving pieces of herself around the internet since 2006.

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