If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ll know that a while back I got an artist to do some album art for me. That…turned out messy: I got an end product I couldn’t use, and had to spend weeks figuring out what to do to fix it. In the end, I went to my trusty YouTubers Forum, asked for help, and got it instantly. And now, I have a piece of art I can use to post my first single on Loudr, and I wish I had thought to go there first but whatever.
So why am I all of a sudden so freaking paranoid.
I always do this to myself: I’m just so paranoid, and I stop myself from doing anything that could possibly end in me being productive because what if I’m not and it all crashes and burns and I should have never posted this in the first place? Sure I post covers, but that isn’t my own work: And sure, I’ve posted my original work before, but not for sale! Why, if I post an all a cappella song, people will think they’re not getting their money’s worth because a song = instruments, not just voices, and it sounds so incomplete, not acoustic or folksy but incomplete and crappy and why do I think I’m better than I am when I probably am not as good as I think I am? I need to stay humble, after all. Don’t want a big head so that means say everything you do creatively sucks because that way if someone says it sucks you’ll have preempted them to that conclusion, therefore it’s not like you failed because you already knew you sucked and why are you even trying to do this because you’re never ever going to be able to do anything more than post stuff on YouTube and have hardly any views or subscribers and there’s along long road before you can even make any money at this and the other ways you can make money in the meantime you’re also too afraid to do because what if you fail horribly and can never show your face anywhere again?
This crap goes through my head EVERY TIME that I want to do something that isn’t in my norm, and something that’s outside the box. I tried doing live performances, and I’m just entirely too shy to be able to connect with people that way. Why do I withdraw inside myself when I’m doing something I love? Because if I showed anyone the real me they would think I’m not worth having around and leave me behind and I’d be friendless and alone and career-less even though I’ve had a budding career for years. Why do I always stop myself from being myself? It pisses me off so much, and I’m so damn sick of it.
I’m tired of being told things I do won’t work, because secretly I know that it’s probably true but I’m going to try it anyway until it does work. I’m tired of being a lightning rod of stupid, negative thoughts, and having any emotional confrontation I have affect me for days afterward. I’m tired of second guessing myself, of self-sabotage, and of being afraid to reach out to anyone, whether they be in real life, or online. I’m just so tired of every negative emotion in my life, and I want it to stop.
But I doubt it ever will.
So I just push on as best as I can and shut them all off, shove them into a corner of my mind that they won’t reach me for a while so I can continue to try and make something of my life.
I know I usually try to stay positive on this blog, and post updates and stuff that aren’t so blech, but I don’t know: I just really needed to write this down and get it out of my system before it ate me alive for the bajillionth time. –takes deep breath-
I’m sorry, on Tuesday, I’ll hopefully be in a better mood than this!