I’ve been so tempted to just tweet or post on Facebook about this, but one of my major pet peeves is people who tend to vaguebook or vague tweet and I didn’t want to come off as being whiny on any of those pages. Since writing things down long form always helps me decompress my feelings, however, I will vent on here as I usually do! Well, not really venting, but let’s just get into it.
For me, when I reach one milestone, it’s like all of these negative thoughts just pop in that are new and foreign, and my old negative thoughts are still slightly there, but barely out of reach. It’s so frustrating, and I wish I could just beat them away, but I think acknowledging them is a far better way to go about it then just suppressing them.
Now that I have a keyboard, and have been arranging and posting things on piano, my brain keeps on whispering things like “Well, sure you’re arranging stuff now, but you could be doing so much better. Piano is only one instrument, after all, you should be using more instruments like drums and guitar or else what you’re making is lack luster crap that isn’t really music”. A part of me finds that ridiculous: I’ve seen tons of people just use one instrument on their covers and songs, and when they need other instruments they ask for help from other people. But, for some reason, my brain just keeps on going “Nope, that isn’t good enough, buy more instruments!” In which, I have and still haven’t used them. Like, I bought a hand drum, which I plan to use but haven’t yet. Got a recorder, which I have no clue how to add to songs because of the key it’s in. Shakers and tambourine are fine, sure, but still I don’t really use them because when it boils down to it, I listen back to my arrangements, and like how simplistic just using piano and my voice sounds. I came to the realization a while ago that that is just my composing style: I like using 3 or less instruments, usually I’ve found I just use two and my voice. Does it sound bad to me? Not at all: I really like the end result, but still in my head I go “It isn’t good enough, more more more!” no matter how much people say they like it, no matter how much I tell myself that’s just my style, my mind keeps on saying I need more instruments, because apparently in my warped negative thinking more instrument’s=the arrangement being better? (which logically, I know is bull ugh).
On top of that, recording myself singing was stressful my last go around. I have my Mom look at the footage before using it, and she always criticizes that my face has no expression while singing. I had to do like five takes before I got something passable, and she still said it didn’t look like I was into my singing. But, for my past few covers it’s just been a ton of ooing and aahing, and like what sort of emotion or expression are you supposed to put into that? On top of that, someone I am collaborating with was like “Can you make your video quality better?” and I know that was a vague thing to say they didn’t realize would bother me so much, but it just made all of my recording video insecurities come back to the surface and now I’m back to being paranoid about my quality sucking. Will that stop me from recording video? Not at all, but it just shook my confidence a bit and I’m trying to recover from it still. That along with all of my music insecurities lately, it hasn’t been very pleasant.
that being said, I’ve just been powering through. Another thing that’s been popping into my head is my piano playing not being good, which isn’t true and also is dumb to think because it’s only been three or four months of playing ugh. My game plan is to just keep on working towards bettering myself, both musically and with video, because I know that these things will work themselves out. Did writing them down help? Sort of! I do feel a bit more relaxed and less stressed after writing this, so woo~